Better Days

I'm sure there are people out there who are pretty sure we're sleepwalking through these days. Tearful, sad. And that is true. 

But then, it's also true that life didn't stop and wait for us to work through something. It hasn't stopped once when I cry. It moves on and some of it is incredible, hilarious, marvelous. 

Aidan reported the other day that his butt felt better today. This was a relief, although we hadn't heard that his butt felt bad. 

Last night at the dinner table Ethan was trying to break out the "made you look" that he had just learned. So he kept trying to get Selah to look behind her. He had the fundamentals down, although there were two major problems with his delivery:

1. tell someone to look at something that quite possibly could be behind you. A spider is always a good one. Ethan told Selah there was a HEDGEHOG behind her. 

2. i capitalize HEDGEHOG to indicate that when Ethan said the word HEDGEHOG his eyes grew very large. He has big blue eyes, but now we would see the big blue eyes and lots of white. I was concerned I might have to pick an eyeball off of his plate.

We also have our first driver in the house. Isabel went to get her drivers license in a snowstorm. I told her as she went out that if she failed her test, and that was the worst thing that happened this week, then it'd be a good week. But she passed and now...now we don't really see her very often, but I hear that she's doing well. 

Teia's been steadfastly cleaning stuff in our garage for a project she has in her sights. This is good because the project pays money and because our garage is getting cleaned. Teia is always steadfastly Teia, with both feet firmly on the ground. 

Kellen's feet left the ground a few times last night while I almost lost my voice at his basketball game. I'm excited at how hard he plays and how he's beginning to understand that this life will demand so much of him. Yes, I'm one of those dads who believes athletics is a gateway to life. Would it surprise you to know that I was violently sick before a college tournament game but showed up for pregame, and coach told me to go back to my room, but i looked him square in the eyes and told him, "Coach, I'm playing." So I started and played the entire game. I remember none of it. 

Selah earned a speaking part in her play, and did it incredibly well. Selah is an inspired liar. I guess it's best to describe it as "improv." She'll tell stories with so much energy and animation that you aren't sure what percentage is made up. Surely 50%. Surely she didn't stab Benny in the thigh with a pencil. But is Benny a real person? We keep listening, and she's smirking and giggling at herself mid-lie. 

But there's still chats like the one I had with Elises above. And Jen, still in bed right now, clutching a little teddy bear that Zoe knew was hers. It's like the water's beautiful, inviting, warm. But there's a part that is so deep and cold. 

Purple Paraments

It's Lent, which is a better season than we give it credit for. There was a time, long ago, when i led a Bible study at my house, when we'd focus on the weeks and days that preceded Jesus' entrance into Jerusalem. It just put my heart right, and it was always wonderful to walk with Christ...kind of understand his state of mind. If any of you out there were with me back then (i doubt it) ...i miss you.

One thing I know is that the season of Lent has 40 days, but is actually 45 days long. That's because the Sundays aren't included in Lent. Lent is a time of sacrifice, of focusing on Jesus' suffering. But on Sundays, we have to take care of business. Sundays are when we celebrate Easter.

So I was wondering if the paraments on the altar changed on Sunday. A complete Lutheran nerd question. I asked a few people and realized...as I pulled out of church...I'd just call dad.

I know that death happens to everyone and everyone who faces it runs into that moment. It happens when i come home from work, put my keys down, and turn the corner. And there's no baby. But the fact that we all share that moment of absolute loss means nothing to me. It sucks.

Anyways...let me share a song that I accidentally fumbled across on the way up to Dad's funeral. It was perfect...it still is. Bat and Zoe had the two most infectious smiles I might ever encounter. If you know what I know, you can't wipe their smile off your face.

There's A Reason
by mercyme

Now's the time
Let the redeemed celebrate
If you know what I know
You can't wipe the smile off your face
Oh people, stand up and praise

There's a reason to dance
There's a reason to sing
Of the sacred romance
With our Savior and King
We lift up our hands
We fall on our knees
To the Son of Man
The reason we are free

There's a reason

All glory to
The King of Kings, Lord of Lords
Oh the value of Your worth
No worldly treasures can afford

And we praise You forevermore

There's a reason to stand
There's a reason to shout, to shout Your name on high
So we take up our cross, there's a reason to die
Because Jesus is alive

There's a reason
You are the reason
The reason we are free

Old Pictures

Teia's boss made an offer she can't refuse - sell his old stuff on eBay and Craig's List and she can keep 60%. Pretty good gig. Trouble is, our house is filled to the gills so Teia went out to our garage to make space for the boss's junk.

So, getting rid of some our junk so that she can bring some other junk in.

Teia came across a box of pictures - pictures from the old days. Pictures of other lives, houses. The kind of pictures where you have to guess what baby Dad is holding.

Kellen and Aidan could be twins. The big kids when they were the only kids. Little tiny Elise - with the big big wail. All this time passing...we're growing. We're growing old.

And I'm sure there's no time in Heaven. I'm sure that we're connected to those memories without the pictures. Connected to our praise and scars and those moments when we ministered and were left behind and found.

I'm sure that when I get there it will feel like I just entered along with the woman at the well and Dad and Zoe. And everyone will experience the joy, the flood of memory, the feel of wizened life and joyous rebirth you feel when you look at old pictures. It will make us young and old and perfect.

Something Terrible and Glorious

I boarded the plane - a little one hour hop from Milwaukee to Indianapolis. 


But it was the first time I've been on a plane since I was headed home and my Snoopy was gone, leaving behind a little 12 pound shell of cold beauty and sickness.


Gone.


As the plane rose above Lake Michigan, the plane banked, and through my tears I couldn't tell whether I was looking at the deep blue sky or the depths of the water. Shafts of sun made me avert my eyes. For the first time since I had left those weeks ago, I whispered something to Zoe. Maybe being a little closer to heaven and the imperceptible sky and depths I couldn't imagine made me feel closer.


When we landed I talked to Jen, who is fighting valiantly to hold on to what is true and right and peaceful in the face of all that is terrible and wrong and discordant. Writing thank you cards...that's necessary to show gratitude. But thanking people for...sharing in our grief, something we never wanted. It's all too hard. People aren't supposed to have to deal with this. Jen trying to process the outpouring of love and thank people for it while she wished it had never happened. Jen recounting her last minutes, her last months. The long lonely nights of loving our daughter. The long and lonely 25 days in the hospital in 2008. 


Time will heal, we're told. But do I want to heal? How will time heal? Make us forget? Make us not remember the sound she made when she wanted to laugh? The moment she came out of surgery and I whispered to her to come back to me? Maybe I don't want to heal. Neither Jen nor I want to forget.


My friend told me today that I had gone back to work too soon, and he might have been right. But as I stretch myself out and work towards something, it helps me deal with those terrible and glorious moments, helps me find a breath to breathe. 


 I walk with utter peace. I laugh and joke and smile. And I breathe through tears and weep until I cannot stand. And that is what I did yesterday, and probably will today. Maybe for a long time. 


My baby is gone, and she will never return. And that is terrible. God has taken her home and she knows love beyond that which everyone showed us, love beyond what I can understand, and that is glorious.

A Song For The Previous Post

sift through the ashes left behind.

Beauty Will Rise
by Steven Curtis Chapman

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
Came crashing down

Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes
That are left behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope

Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can't believe, I will believe for you

Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning

I can hear it in the distance
And it's not too far away
It's the music and the laughter
Of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say it's time to make everything new
Make it all new

This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
This is a promise

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He's made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness
New light will shine
And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise

Oh, beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise

Blogger Silence

I didn't write this week not only because I am pretty sure I'd never read a blog about grieving, but because the process is stupid. If someone told you the only way to attain a goal was to undergo an intense process filled fatigue, anger, bitterness, incessant tears, doubts and loneliness....would you take on the process?

Jen and I spent a instant messenger conversation debating over who was more responsible for Zoe's death. Each of us was/is sure we are more responsible. It's a debate that will not be resolved, and frankly, since medicine will happily slap a "T18" label on her death, the very label we battled from minute one of Zoe's life....no one else will offer an opinion.

We fill our days with busywork, but there's still time to be haunted, time to long. Time to wish for less and more of the day.  Time to wish I could talk to my Dad, the wise counselor who always brought me back to the cross.

Walking around the store for Valentine's day trying to figure out what to get Jen. And knowing that Jen wants nothing but Zoe. So, it's likely this stupid plant with tiny heart-shaped leaves will not suffice. No matter, my card was declined. Leave the store filled with tears and guilt and anger.

One man, trying to be kind on the way out of church, told me he, too had lost his daughter. He said after four years of anger, he was able to find peace.

Four years? This is what we get?

When you're going through this, there's a common theme...you have a good moment, a good day or night, and then you feel sickened by the thought that you actually might be "over" it. And Zoe was not something you want to be "over." So you go back to jail, do not pass go, do not collect anything. You start to associate the only way you can truly miss her ...them...is to hurt.

Not to mention that the entire grieving thing seems 100% counter to Christianity, the cross, and Heaven. Zoe being able to live and not fight for life every day in Heaven is our solace. Dad free from all that encumbered him is peace to me. This grieving seems like chains of every evil - so I catch myself living in them and begin a new spiral - feeling guilty for feeling guilty. Feeling guilty for feeling angry for feeling alone.

See? You didn't want to read this, and writing it seemed like whining. But you want in this terrible head? You got it.

Sunday Morning

Sunday morning and that meant dad would be be gone already or in a room finishing up his sermon. It was the only day of the week he didn't make breakfast, and we'd hear the urgency in his footsteps, the joy-filled way he'd greet everyone as they doddered out of bed.

I was born on a Sunday, and dad wasn't there. He was in the pulpit, preaching. He had a job to do. One of the ushers told him as the offering plates were handed over.

I learned that from my dad. On the Saturday before Zoe's service, I told everyone there that this was business. Cry later. This was business and we were going to touch hearts with something worthy of my daughter. Work to do.

Zoe always had good days on Sundays. Putting clothes on meant a shirt, or a pillow...something would be close to her face, which was hilarious. Zoe's biggest grins involved face smushing.

Even though church was time from her favorite place - Mom and Dad's (her) bed under the ceiling fan, it wasn't long. And there was singing at church. Zoe always loved music.

I wish their jobs weren't done. Mine isn't. Sunday is God's day and His two servants loved it.My old pastor said "We are Easter people." Every Sunday is a celebration because Jesus is alive. Let the redeemed celebrate.

There's A Reason

by mercyme

Now's the time
Let the redeemed celebrate
If you know what I know
You can't wipe the smile off your face
Oh people, stand up and praise

There's a reason to dance
There's a reason to sing
Of the sacred romance
With our Savior and King
We lift up our hands
We fall on our knees
To the Son of Man
The reason we are free

There's a reason

All glory to
The King of Kings, Lord of Lords
Oh the value of Your worth
No worldly treasures can afford

And we praise You forevermore

There's a reason to stand
There's a reason to shout, to shout Your name on high
So we take up our cross, there's a reason to die
Because Jesus is alive

There's a reason
You are the reason
The reason we are free

Song and Dance

Amid my anger this morning, Jen's weak stomach, the Pediasure coupon that came up with my receipt at the store, the huge snowflakes silently falling and melting on my face that mixed with my tears, this song is the only thing louder. I am trying to hear the holy rhythm. He's still giving.

Song and Dance
 by andrew peterson

David's on his throne at sundown
His paper and his pen are in his hand
He's waiting on a song at sundown
As he gazes out across his holy land

And he thinks of old Goliath and he smiles
He can barely keep from laughing
He says, "great is the Lord and greatly to be praised"
He can hear the rivers clapping
Well, they're still clapping
To the same old song and dance

Well the cadence of the sea is just as steady
And the chorus of the hills is just as strong
And the faithfulness of God is just as mighty as it was
When the shepherd slew the giant with a stone

You can close your eyes and listen to the sea
You can feel the holy rhythm
Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised
For the mercy he has given
Well, he's still giving
It's the same old song and dance

I can hear creation singing his praise
That his love is everlasting
It's the same as it was a million years ago
I can still hear David laughing
And the rivers are still clapping
It's the same old song and dance

A Little Bat Ink

The Green Bay Press Gazette did a little feature on dad. Very nice.

Next Gen

 

(left to right) Piera Christiansen, Minte Christiansen, Izzi, Alexis Schaefer, Allana Randall, Teia

 Zoe's sisters and cousins - the next generation of Batiansila girls. All met, hugged and laughed with both Zoe and Bat.

She's Still Touching Lives

Zoe made the front page of the local paper, featuring the picture you see to the right. A woman caught me after Kellen's game and told me she had read the article and was so moved.

Meanwhile, Astros.com featured this article.

A Week Later

The cycle is complete. Dad's death interrupted the peace from Zoe's memorial. Remembering Zoe's loss just a week ago interrupts the peace from Dad's magnificent funeral.

Hopefully some days with fewer losses and funerals.

Remember Bat

The previous link only worked some of the time.....if you miss Bat as much as me, click play. And bang! He's right there.

Fly To Jesus

The service sending Zoe home was everything I'd hoped. So many people showing love and care and wonderful music.

During "Shout To The Lord," Jen stood up and asked those around her to, and then everyone did. She told me later she did it because she was so proud of Zoe. So proud of her.

It was a joyful, tearful triumph in the resurrection. We have this hope because we believe everything God's promised us is true.

After the service, I had to kinda walk it off like I had just run a marathon. I was walking around and spending time with each table, and my family learned that my father - too frail to make the memorial - had taken a bad turn. The family headed up. At 8:45 CST, we learned that my Dad had gone home.

There's not much in my life that wasn't influenced by my Dad. I'd be a better person if I could be more like him. He taught me how to tie a tie, to stir batter, to open a book, to pick out fruit, to sign my name.

In each one of these lessons, it wasn't simply a "how-to": it was a thorough step-by-step and reasoning. For my signature, Dad called me into his office and said he'd been looking at my signature on my confirmation papers. It was sloppy. And he was thinking of some options that might be neater and more unique. He showed me some different ways he had thought of signing my name. He was right. I've signed my way that way ever since.

To pick out fruit: You look under fruit, inspecting each one. Often the ones on the top are concealing a flaw. Find the biggest, most beautiful one. "That's for mom," he'd say. Putting her first was the point.

An elite athlete, a world-class artist (his art as a TEEN won national competition), a thoughtful teacher. All were amazing facets of his character. But all paled to his love and devotion to serving the Lord. It was the way he befriended, then witnessed to the breadstore lady. The manager at Cub Foods. The mechanic who the congregation had left behind because of his sin, that's the one Dad went to. It was the way he patiently guided sheep.

It was the way he drew his cartoon-simple images for confirmation. The means of Grace were a funnel. Jesus, in one parable, was an island. God was always depicted by a huge heart.

And now he's home, returned the the heart, the source of all love, reunited with his facilities and all beyond that Heaven crowns, and a laughing, hyper, always-praising girl named Zoe who can't stop talking for all the time the world held her silent.

I'm jealous. I can't wait to see you both.