Friday, July 31, 2009
Bat was admitted to St. Vincent's hospital yesterday after experiencing over a week of weakness and nausea. Andreas and Jill had just been up to see Dad and had reported his struggles.
I spoke via email to Bat and Christa's friends, Fran and Dr. Gary Miller, and asked them frankly what next steps were. Unfortunately, I have some experience with a potentially terminal person in the very-much-alive-all-through-the-night Zoe.
I told Fran there are two paths.
1. tell me that there is nothing more to do.
2. Then tell us what the symptoms of those treatments are so we can react when we observe symptoms that do not agree
-then recommend a nutritionist for dad
-give mom explicit instructions on what to do over time.
Fran said that they were going with number 2. "Your dad isn't ready to throw in the towel by any means, nor is your mother."
I know all of us kids are trying to wrap our brains and our faith around this uncomfortably painful and real situation. I see my sisters' laments on Facebook. I've written posts here that I haven't posted, mostly because they sound like eulogies and selfish pain. This isn't the time for either.
What will happen today, as will happen tomorrow, is God will hold my Dad to His breast and breathe life into him. And whether he's here among us, in pain, or in Heaven, not in pain, is up to God. And if I trust God, God will decide what is best and right for Bat. And Zoe. And me.
So, today, we fight. Bat, Zoe, and me.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
"That's going to be a moment I remember for a long time," McGehee said, his voice starting to crack. "He's something special. For him to go through what he's going through, he just keeps plugging and you never really notice he's got anything wrong with him most of the time. He's been a big inspiration to me, and the way some of the guys have taken to him, it's really special.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Robbie Seay's new album is coming out soon!!! So happy. Here's lyrics to one of his new tunes, "Miracle." I hope in some way, Zoe touched him and helped him write it.
Robbie writes in his blog: "We're close to finishing the new rsb album and many of the songs reflect the heights and depths of our humanity and my encounters over the last year."
"Have you ever stared death in the face?
So close you could hardly breathe
and you cry out to God for mercy to prevent the fall
There are very few words to say
when you can't see another day - for my heart to beat again
When the whole world seems to turn its back on me
All alone out on the sea
I need a Miracle! I need a miracle
When life don't seem to make sense at all
I believe you hear me when i call
I need a Miracle? I need a Miracle!'
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Teia had an amazing conversation with techgeek/social media expert Heidi on Facebook Chat last night. Here's the transcript of their talk (I am not making this up) (the thought of someone writing down emoticons is awesome):
TEIA: aunt heidi! HI!
11:03pm Heidi: T - Did you hear that big thud about 7 minutes ago from MN ? It was me making the big leap into the tech world with my Ipod. I bought my 1st song from i-tunes and synced this with my ipod. This was my first song on my ipod. "Everlasting God" Yeah! I am on a roll now:)
11:03pm Teia :haha that's awesome!
11:05pm Heidi :I am so excited! I was given this ipod from Phil a while ago and I finally got it out and started to work with it.
11:05pm Teia: that's awesome! they're fun to play with once you understand what's going on with them. :):) it took me a while too.
11:06pm Heidi: How didi you make that smiley icon?
11:06pm Teia: a smiley face... : + ) = :):)
11:07pm Heidi: :+)=
11:08pm Teia: ....just do the colon and the end parentheses
11:08pm Heidi: :):)
11:08pm Teia: there you go. :):)
11:09pm Heidi: sweet!! it worked, 2 successes in a day:)
11:09pm Teia: awesome. there's all sorts of smileys.. ;);) :P:P haha
11:09pm Heidi: How do you do them?
11:10pm Teia: semicolon and end parentheses for the wink face. colon and capital p for the tongue one
11:11pm Heidi: i just wrote those down so I wouldn't forget
11:11pmTeia: haha awesome
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Grace is getting something you don't deserve.
This morning my precious Zoe woke up and wailed. She was scared or upset or something, but she was almost inconsolable until Mom held her and then Dad walked around holding her.
But she was alive. 16 months old. Beautiful and long and opinionated. Eating chicken and vegetable stage 2 baby food and alive. Sweet grace.
Zoe is incompatible with a night of sleep. Incompatible with stage 3 food. Incompatible with tater tots. (I tried. What? I just wanted to see) She's incompatible with being left alone too long.
But she's not incompatible with life. God has given us Zoe for another month, and Zoe has taught me how to win. It's not how hard you hit. It's how you take the hits.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Back from a nice week away from the blog.
Back just to ask for your prayers. So many things all happening at once - some stupendous. Some stupid.
My dad's cancer is stupid. Cancer, as we all know, stinks. It's just a sign that this world stinks and any hope for peace in this life is misplaced. Dad's first round of treatment went well. But in order for it to go well, he has to undergo pain and sickness so he can hopefully be less sick. Whereas no one forsees a complete healing from cancer, some see this treatment as a step towards more days with us.
One thing is for sure: this place is better with my mom and dad in it. With their examples of faith and devotion, with their willingness to fight after years of living on nothing and raising us. They will not go quietly. If anyone was wondering, I learned it from them.
My job is stupendous. I get to work in areas and with people I never would have dreamed. I'm awed, honored. I get to create and guide things and try and live for an idea. Sure, it's long hours and stressful, but those are elements of nurturing anything. I'm blessed beyond measure.
The economy is stupid. We're not sure how we'll make it. Not sure about anything. My workplace has let half its staff go in the last year, and even forced us all to undergo paycuts. No one is prepared for that. For us, we're fighting for survival and finding out that creditors don't have any way of working with us through these times. It's stupid and couldn't come at a worse time.
Zoe is doing stupendous. Ok, she's not actually putting on any weight, but her growth and development are pretty amazing. I was at work last week when Izzi texted me to tell me she was watching Zoe's physical therapy. "She's amazing," Izzi gushed about her little sis.
Amazing? Is it amazing on a curve? Perhaps. We all know that a good portion of medicine is starting from the "she'll always be like this" philosophy. Zoe will not always be like that. What will she be?
The answer, as it is to anything that is stupid or stupendous, is we don't know. I don't know if I have another day or a year with my dad or my daughter. Or my job. I just might get someone elected governor of Wisconsin. I also might not have a place to live. Only one true thing in this life.
Cuz if the birds and the flowers survive, then I'll make it ok.
Table for Two
by Caedmon's Call
Danny and I spent another late
night over pancakes,
Talkin' 'bout soccer
And how every man's just the same
We made speculation
On the who's and the when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely
But still we just couldn't complain
And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I'm just wasting my time
By looking around
But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I'll make it okay
I'm given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all
night and into the day
Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
But it's not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call
Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt
And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end
and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.