Sunday Morning

Sunday morning and that meant dad would be be gone already or in a room finishing up his sermon. It was the only day of the week he didn't make breakfast, and we'd hear the urgency in his footsteps, the joy-filled way he'd greet everyone as they doddered out of bed.

I was born on a Sunday, and dad wasn't there. He was in the pulpit, preaching. He had a job to do. One of the ushers told him as the offering plates were handed over.

I learned that from my dad. On the Saturday before Zoe's service, I told everyone there that this was business. Cry later. This was business and we were going to touch hearts with something worthy of my daughter. Work to do.

Zoe always had good days on Sundays. Putting clothes on meant a shirt, or a pillow...something would be close to her face, which was hilarious. Zoe's biggest grins involved face smushing.

Even though church was time from her favorite place - Mom and Dad's (her) bed under the ceiling fan, it wasn't long. And there was singing at church. Zoe always loved music.

I wish their jobs weren't done. Mine isn't. Sunday is God's day and His two servants loved it.My old pastor said "We are Easter people." Every Sunday is a celebration because Jesus is alive. Let the redeemed celebrate.

There's A Reason

by mercyme

Now's the time
Let the redeemed celebrate
If you know what I know
You can't wipe the smile off your face
Oh people, stand up and praise

There's a reason to dance
There's a reason to sing
Of the sacred romance
With our Savior and King
We lift up our hands
We fall on our knees
To the Son of Man
The reason we are free

There's a reason

All glory to
The King of Kings, Lord of Lords
Oh the value of Your worth
No worldly treasures can afford

And we praise You forevermore

There's a reason to stand
There's a reason to shout, to shout Your name on high
So we take up our cross, there's a reason to die
Because Jesus is alive

There's a reason
You are the reason
The reason we are free

Zoe=Cozy

Zoe is snoring away. Sleeping off the horrible pre-op 48 hours. Sleeping off the op. Sleeping off the horrible post-op 48 hours.

Snow

Just so you all not in Milwaukee are aware, we're expecting 4 inches tonight and 4-7 inches tomorrow. Of snow.

Back on March 22, it snowed too. Something about major holidays - born near Easter, surgery near Thanksgiving and snow. Some kind of mysterious parallel.

Beep Beep. Beep.

Seven different things providing different medicines. A vent. The renal monitor and then the big master screen showing all the stats. A merry orchestra of beeping and honking that will torment me for days to come.

In the center, a little girl lies. She won't shut her eyes. She dozes off, snores, but she can't shut her eyes.

This Broken World

My friends Greg and Sara commented on the blog. They've had to face how broken this world is.

We are all staggering through this sin-ridden place towards its end. Enemies in occupied territory. Come, Lord Jesus.

Naive
by Chris Rice

How long until You defend Your name and set the record right
And how far will You allow the human race to run and hide
And how much can You tolerate our weaknesses
Before You step into our sky blue and say "That’s quite enough!"

Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?

I hear that a God who’s good would never let the evil run so long
But I say it’s because You’re good You’re giving us more time, yeah
‘Cause I believe that You love to show us mercy
But when will You step into our sky blue
And say "That’s quite enough, and your time is up!"

Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?

Am I naive...
Can I believe...
And can I leave...in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You, to ask You, to ask You

How long?

Renal

Erika wants me to explain what "renal" means.

Renal is a sensor on the kidney, tracking blood flow and oxygenation to that organ. When the number dives, the body is deciding to take care of the brain and heart first, and is choosing not to send nutrients to that organ to help the heart and brain.

So...now that it's 94, it means the body has enough good stuff to share with heart, brain, kidneys...and beyond!

Chest Tube

Elliot was draining her lung. 75 CC removed and a tube still there draining. Think she needed some help there?

Let The Healing Begin

Stats are great. Again for comparison, Renal was 14 when she was brought down to ICU. Now it's 94.

Sleep, baby. Her eyes are open and I think she is still not trusting the whole letting go and relaxing thing.

Nurse says she doesn't think intubated long. She and Hagen even said this is just a setback. What do you think?

Someday, I hope Zoe can tell you herself. How's that for hoping?

a parent's plea

We spoke to Dr. Hagen about our plea for a consistency of strategy. We felt confident with direction at the ICU but felt like what was happening in the patient room was not as consistent or rooted in the same facts as our findings and experience from the ICU.

He listened, was kind and I"m hopeful will take our advice.

And P.S. , Dr. Hagen has been in our room a ton. He's a good man.

Elliot

saved Zoe's life. Jen saw her numbers crash and her throw up green. And the nurse saying they would wait until rounds to decide what to do.

Elliot came up just to check in. If you look here at this post from the day before surgery - it seems like last year - you'll see Elliot was prophesying his role. It was in God's hands. And Elliot was going to be used by God.

He saw the baby and scrambled things to get her up to ICU.

visitors

pastor dorth was here, being a Christian friend and a pastor. Maziarkas here to say hi. Sweet wonderful cloud of witnesses.

a quick emphatic note

please

never think i'm not flabbergasted, stunned, moved by your prayers and support. i can only tell you that if there is a shred of energy in me, of hope in me, it's your prayers coursing through my brain.

it's all we have. it's not a bad thing to have.

slow stabilize

renal stats this am - 14. Now - 70.

Let's make sure kidneys are ok. Liver ok. Slowly weaning from epi.

Snow is falling outside...big flakes curling like the night Zoe was born. I'm telling you that if i wrote this story into a script...including the big flakes of snow, it'd be quite a tale.

ICU

Went into ICU to see our pink baby lying back. Dr. Hagen told us that she had an episode and started to tell us some things that not only we knew, but we told you about.

But he didn't know about the green spit up.

They are sedating her and looking at organ function to make sure it's ok. LIver might be congested from infection and making sure that flow is ok. Ultrasound to look at liver.

She needs to relax...she's not liking the intubation.

So, antibiotics. And stuff to make her heart pump but that seems to be ok now, so slow wean off that.

She's peeing now.

No Word

I'm so worried.

pastor dorth from st. john's is here.

no word. we're still in waiting room

Jen

Is angry. Upset at herself because she saw this coming. Talked to nurses who didn't respond. Waited too long, she says.

She's upset with the professionals who said let's wait. When she asked for attention, she was told to wait until rounds at 9. At 815, she pressed and kept pressing and finally it wasn't until Physician's Assistant came up to see how Zoe was doing that things really started moving.

Of course as a parent, you'd try to own this. We also just feel like we have to reeducate, reask questions each shift change. We hate feeling like zealots, those parents who are pressing. But here we sit with all these emotions.

Welcome Ella

My brother Andreas and his beautiful wife gave birth to a 5 pound 15 ounce little girl they named Ella earlier this morning. Everyone's doing well.

please God

don't let anyone come through that door with bad news. please let zoe come back to us.