bargaining

of all the stages of grieving, bargaining is the most deceptively selfish.

On its face, it sounds kind of noble and insightful. We're begging God to rethink what He's done and consider an alternative. Perhaps you could give me a terminal illness. Here's a thought: perhaps Britney Spears' kid could have the terminal illness. Maybe one of those kids I see on those late night commercials in Africa could have the terminal illness.

Anyone who has a newborn knows that by the second or third night of a 3 or 4 am feeding which followed the 11 which followed the 1:30, you've now been broken. You're emotional. That's usually the time of morning/night where I look at Zoe and see her eating from her bottle, her eyes exploring the room's darkness and cry. You could have given this to me. She's just a little kid.

Here's a bargain I offered God this morning: how about you heal her? Think of the people who would be amazed and drawn to you if full Trisomy 18 was removed from her body! Huh? Think about it, God. I think it's what ran through the minds of these parents. They believed strongly that God was mighty, that God was capable, and that their daughter would be healed. Is there anything wrong with their faith?

I take nothing from God's might. If God wanted, He could make a Zoe from nothing, from the dying plant on my desk. If He wanted, He could remove a chromosome and Zoe could pick the music for her own funeral. But I'm hearing His answer, at least for now, and it's that your ideas are only ways for Greg's will to be done. I have a plan.