Before Zoe

Before Zoe came, I would cry about Selah. Selah is Zoe's big sister. Just a few months before Zoe was born, Selah was diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes. I was devastated. I was broken. I felt like I had let something awful happen to her. I wanted to fight, but you can't fight medical certainty. For the rest of her life, Selah will have to monitor her blood sugar and give herself at least three insulin shots a day.

Selah's fine. I think she's a little frosted when it's brought up at all. I actually did an interview with her here and you can hear her "c'mon, Dad..." tone. But I felt...I feel like even though she doesn't know we lost something, I know we did. We lost something with her condition. So you keep your chin up.

Before Zoe came, I would cry about having to move. I knew it was inevitable. Either it would be because the rent would be too much, or it would be because our landlady was going to sell her home and move into ours.

We knew both were strong possibilities when we moved here, but it was hard to pass up. It's such a place of peace to us. It's kind of our outpost. I would pray...I still pray to God desperate, pretty insolent prayers begging that there be some way for us to stay here. I know I've put the kids through my share through the years. Teia has lived in 12 different places with me in her 17 years. I just want to stay. We are trying to keep our chin up.

Before Zoe came, I'd get upset about a lot of things. About how Jen and I don't sing anymore. About a missing church home. About my Dad's cancer. About the bills. About the lost friends and relatives.

I wish I could tell you that Zoe has made all of those things less, that those things have gone away. Those are some of the things many of you all didn't hear about before Zoe. Or like me, you kinda forgot. I guess the best thing she's done is make it easy to ignore them. I'm more caught up in Jen's words last night as she held Zoe - "...I get more and more attached..."

So my landlord drives up today. My heart sank.

She was just saying hi. But as she got out of the car, I went inside and I stared at the lake and I shook my head. I feel like I don't have many prayers left. I guess through all the trials, God has been preparing me for this one. This is a life held together by a lot of prayer, keeping our chin up and a bad memory.