If You Feel Lost And Tired

Tired? I'm increasingly concerned I'm speaking more of the defeat of death than the triumph of eternal life. I'm sorry.

I blame the sleep pattern. Zoe eats every two hours, and if she cries, you want to assuage it instantly so that she doesn't get too upset. So we hustle to feed her, try to keep her from crying too hard. And I'm not the one getting up for the lion's share of those feedings. I'm the weak one who wouldn't hear her unless I was elbowed.

She's breathing poorly. She has more tet fits than I've seen - which is where she kind of freezes up, stops everything, turns blue, then comes back to us. Jen's seen it enough to push her knees up, coo to her, get her going again. When it happened while Izzi was holding her, Izzi was ill prepared.

She's uncomfortable more now. Yesterday, she was really swept up in something - gas? pain? heart? - we don't know. But after some incredible mothering and cooing and a little Tylenol, she calmed down and conked out. On Friday, the visiting nurse took her pulse - 180 - and then sent us a prescription for morphine. We're not ready for morphine here, but we have the scrip now.

And so, in the midst of this, we find out that Robbie Seay is coming to do a concert for us. I told you guys before that everytime I'm about ready to go hide, when I feel like I could really just let it all out, or just vent like I want to vent...God sends something to remind me of His sovreignty. A reminder to be still.

I'm trying. I feel lost and tired. I - we - Izzi, Jen, Zoe, all of us - we keep holding on.