Anger

Sunday night, Jen held Zoe close and said in her mommy voice, "I just want to keep you forever." It's something mommies say. But all the typical motions and comments all have a weird tenor when all this is happening. "How old is she?," a passerby will ask, "she's so little!" or "She won't stay that little for long!"

So Jen puts her little girl next to her on her pillow and says, "I think I'm at the anger stage now."

Anger is listed as the second of the stages of grieving, although when I look at the stages that follow, I know I've been there, too. I think I'm doing laps around the stages of grieving, going from acceptance back to denial on lap 400 something.

Just so you know how artful Satan is - he's fully prepared to kick and spit on me when I'm down. So he's at work on Jen and me and all of you, and he's not playing "fair" and he doesn't care how much you hurt or how weak you feel.

So the past 24 hours have been rife with stuff that would make most people angry. I received an email and the people that were supposed to be secretly getting a copy (BCC) were publicly getting a copy (CC). Nice.

After months of waiting to be allowed to sing on a praise team at church, I emailed the director of music asking if I could sing a solo before a service. Solos, I was told, are for people on a praise team. Perfect.

After 1/2 begging, 1/2 hollering at the kids to play a bigger part at home, they continue to slog around and give me about 12 % of their attention. Wonderful.

A contractor we're paying big money to for a job at work has missed his deadline putting a project in peril. Thanks a ton.

And then, last night, I woke up to feed the baby and listened to her breathing while she sleeps. It's troubled breathing, part snoring, part agitated. It makes me cry. How is this possible? What is the lesson?

Each one of those situations requires patience and gentleness and understanding. Actually, each situation DEMANDS those things. We are called to be Children of Light and Peace. Reflecting Christ. My humblest apologies to any of the above who felt less. There was a time when I would have chosen one of those events and made it the lightning rod for all of my anger. I'm trying not to do that. I'm trying not to be angry. How many laps is this race?

For all of you close to me, you know how 98% of my music is Christian. It's because that music has saved my life. It's the thing that has lifted me and buoyed me and connected me to God.

I've seen Michael W. Smith in concert probably more than any other artist. I saw him once in the mid-90's and he explained how he felt he had reached the end. He had no more words. He couldn't think of more songs. He was driving through the desert in the southwest and he really felt God's presence, really felt himself in that desert place and God telling him He'd lead him home.

The vultures of darkness thing really sticks in my head...this idea of Satan just circling above, waiting for me to fall. Waiting for me to get angry. All I can do is to let it go and turn it over to the One who chose to give His life for you.

I'll Lead You Home

Wandering the road of desperate life
Aimlessly beneath the barren sky
Leave it to me
Ill lead you home
So afraid that you will not be found
It won't be long before your sun goes down
Just leave it to me
Ill lead you home

Hear me calling
Hear me calling
Just leave it to me - Ill lead you home

A troubled mind and a doubters heart
You wonder how you ever got this far
Leave it to me, Ill lead you home

Vultures of darkness ate the crumbs you left
And you got no way to retrace your steps
Just leave it to me
Ill lead you home

Hear me calling
Hear me calling
Youre lost and alone
Leave it to me
Ill lead you home

So let it go and turn it over to
The one who chose to give his life for you
Leave it to me
Ill lead you home

So let it go and turn it over to
The one who chose to give his life for you
Just leave it to me
Ill lead you home
Leave it to me
Ill lead you home