What Abraham Was Feeling

1 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.

2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."

6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, 7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?"
"Yes, my son?" Abraham replied.
"The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

8 Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11 But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.

12 "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram ^[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. 14 So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."

I've gone through this passage a lot in my life, and either you brush over it without much thought or emotion, or you stop and wonder what Abraham was thinking. Did he know that this was a test, and that God would deliver him? Why would he obey?

Abraham cried the whole way up the mountain. And he didn't know it was a test. He got a command directly from God - an irrefutable command - and so he somberly began to carry it out. And he cried a lot. He cried over the lost dreams of time with his son. He cried over the impossible thought of bringing harm to a loved one.

There was solace in God's promises, but then again, Isaac was the fulfillment of one of those promises. What was going on? Abraham didn't struggle to understand. He struggled to breathe.

And he struggled to even look at Isaac. Looking at Isaac would make obedience even harder. But then not looking at Isaac when it was the last moment he was going to be alive would be equally as painful. So he wept as he peeked over at his son.

And then his mind would flit to the actual act. Should he use this knife? Smother him? One clean stroke - and then he'd catch himself thinking about his son's death, and he would become nauseous. Somehow he had been asked to assume a higher level of obedience, and he wasn't ready. But he trudged onward.

Isaac asked the question, I think, to kind of wake his dad up from his tears. He saw Abraham was upset and thought he'd ask a basic question, maybe snap him out of his funk. But in this moment of obedience, even the most normal questions have a terrible weight.

Isaac still didn't get it, probably not even when he was laid on top of the wood. I doubt he feared. His father wouldn't hurt him. And Abraham wished he didn't have to. Is there a way to fulfill God's promise without my child hurting? Is this up to me?

The knife was held high. It's blade caught the sun. Abraham shook in tears and gasped for a breath, for any strength to obey. Isaac's big eyes met his father's.