2 AM and I'm still trying to clean up today's mess in my head.
What started out as a day with an endless blue sky turned into a grey day. Paint it with the color of faded straw and dead greens. The color of plowed fields and wet pavement. Cold wintry rain splatters windshields.
Zoe and Jen are home. Hallelujah. The discharge took an eternity, with paperwork and visits and tests. Before they left, Zoe was given an hearing exam, which showed she is deaf.
For some reason, this news was as jarring to me as any I've received in the last 2 weeks. More jarring than sitting in the pharmacy and trying to figure out how many days you'll be renting a breastfeeding pump. 7? 30? 90?
I think it's because it adds to the helplessness I feel with everything. To know my singing to her over the last two weeks went unheard is a fitting metaphor to how meaningless all my gifts and energy feel to this whole situation.
Jen's struggling, too. For some reason, her milk production has stopped. It might have been malnourishment. Maybe it's stress. Just an hour ago, she was in tears explaining the only way she felt she was contributing was drying up. Like singing to a deaf child.
So it was Walmart at 1 AM. I'm always tempted on those late night trips to get a little something for me. I'm not sure why. I wandered the book aisle, quick glanced at candy. Just the formula tonight.
On the way home, I saw a message on my cell - somehow I'd missed a call at some point tonight. Just a relative telling me they were a little disappointed in me. That seems about right. I'm a little disappointed in this whole day.
Grey day. I'm sitting here knowing that they'd all be grey if it weren't for the sacrifices and prayers of so many. Yes, even you, disappointed relative.
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The doctors may say that Zoe is deaf, but this is what I observed: in and among the many voices of those of us who were "hanging around", when Greg spoke to her, Zoe definitely turned her head towards his voice. I saw it. Babies do that when they hear (or somehow sense?) the voice of someone they know. We all also saw how excited Zoe was when she heard her mother's voice, she moved and cried to get Jen's attention. SO, maybe Zoe can't hear. But it's obvious she knows who loves and cares for her.
ReplyDeleteThe sun is shining. All the time. Sometimes clouds cover it up. But that doesn't mean the sun stopped shining.
Lotsa love to you all, Deirdre
Greg - Keep on singing! I'm interested in knowing what others know about this. I understand the variations in deafness allow music - via sound vibrations to be sensed - even felt! That's in the physical. Most importantly, music is a gift of the Spirit for our spiritual worship. And we know she's not deaf in the spirit! Keep on singing - all of you! If you don't even the rocks will cry out along with her musically challenged uncle - aka - South Dakota LWML event. Wow. Where did that come from? All that therapy wasted. uncle Phil
ReplyDeletemy friend: there is no futility in this life. everything is meaningful. everything. even singing to a deaf child. even a life that only lasts a few days. please keep singing to your daughter.
ReplyDeleteI am not disappointed. I don't know who could be. I am so proud of your strength and courage through all of this. I wish I could have an ounce of your strength. Tell Jen not to give up. Drink a beer (really) it helps you relax...of course but it also helps your milk come in.
ReplyDeleteI love you all.
tari
Jen can keep nursing, if she wants to - she can use a supplemental feeder. (It looks weird, a bag that hangs around her neck with a little tiny tube that fits into the baby's mouth alongside the breast.) Get in touch with a local La Leche League leader ASAP for help.
ReplyDeleteAnd Zoe can -feel- you singing. Put her against your chest and don't you DARE stop singing to her!
Greg and Jen, Sing, sing! Yes, there are medical facts, but what are they compared to what God has done? The same God who created Zoe and has given her life today gave us hearts to sing. And Zoe can feel your song, because it comes from the depths of your soul to her - it's a God thing. Medical facts cannot challenge that.
ReplyDeleteI pray that we can get down to see you and Zoe very soon. I'm so very thankful that she and Jen have been able to come home.
I love you all.