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Saturday, December 06, 2008

Holding/Held

I went to see my friend Longhair play with his band last night. I only caught part of it but that's what you do when you have been held like I have. Avicom - the people there - have worked so hard to hold Zoe and the rest of us up. They are the slippers on Jen's feet. They are the food in our refrigerator. The texts of love and support.

Oh, and the band - "Act Your Age" was really good. Ok, I know Longhair, and he's way too nice to be in a band with lyrics that angry, but that didn't mean that he wasn't terrific.

Then I went to Children's to hold Zoe's hand. The nurse said that Zoe might get anxious and then they'd give her something to calm her down.

For those of you who have been reading this a while, you know Zoe and I tended to spend a lot of 12-3 am together preoperatively. So I held her hand and talked to her and mostly we just kind of stared at each other. Her grip is intense, so tight that at times I'd pull my finger out and get the circulation back. Sometimes she'd hold my finger with both hands.

The whole time, she was chewing and chewing at her tube. I think it's because she's getting food through a tube and since her tummy is full, she thinks the chewing is making it come. But regardless, the chronology of activities has been chew chew until you get very very frustrated and then lose it. Then they sedate you, you wake up, and you start all over.

So for that hour and half, we didn't get to despair or angst or elevated heart. Just staring and talking.

At 2:30 I went to talk to Jen. After some minutes, I heard something and moved to see Zoe crying silently through the tube. Face smeared with sadness. The nurse came in and sedated her but now...now I think she thinks like me. She belongs home. And she has one. We're ready to go home.

7 comments:

  1. I am praying you and Zoe home too. I hope she continues to heal and gain strength. It must be such a comfort for her to open her eyes and see you and Jen right there. Bless her new and improved heart. It seems like this last almost two weeks has been a lifetime. I can only imagine how you and Jen feel. Praying for peace for you both as you wait to get your Zoe out of there healthy and back home. God is working.

    Laurie

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  2. Barbara in TX10:23 AM

    Your amazing insight is incredibly heartwarming. Of course she likes you! You are her light in the darkness and Jen her blanket in the cold - or something like that. What rich blessings you guys share!

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  3. Anonymous10:49 AM

    Your post brought tears to my eyes. Our family is praying that Zoe will get to go home with you soon....God Bless all of you.

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  4. Nichole11:39 AM

    I'm a stranger and I wish I could just come and hold Zoe's hand and stare in her eyes and tell her it's going to be okay, she'll get to go home soon. Keep up your fight Zoe, it's okay sweet baby, you'll feel better soon. We are all praying for you and loving you in our minds and from far away. Keep holding her hand Daddy, keep staring into those deep blues.

    California

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  5. So, I'm not sure if I've ever commented on your blog, but here goes. Your story breaks my heart, but yet lifts it at the same time. Your love and testimony of our Lord is so inspiring and uplifting, yet you are living through such a difficult time. My prayers are with you and your little Zoe, your little Life, who keeps holding on. In Christ, Michelle

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  6. huntsouth1:26 PM

    Then, we will be praying to that end---home.
    Waiting is hard and depressing and we just need to let the Lord bear that burden and to rest in Him. God bless you. Amy Hunt

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  7. I'm praying you guys home too. Zoe, you've got lots of snow angels to make. No more tears, little one. You're mommy and daddy are there to give you the most important piece of your home...them!
    Love,
    Michelle in Texas

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